When I finally drifted back to sleep I found myself walking about the streets of an unknown town, calling into shops, with some man (might have been Jim to start with but I think he turned into abother Jim who I work with in some point).

Suddenly we come to surprisingly shabby area and think "This is no good! We need to get out of here!" when all of a sudden we are trapped in the middle of a gunfight between a gang of Columbian rebels and 18th century farmers/Christians. The fight is rather obscure, as both parties just stand in line about 30 metres from each other and shoot randomly. Whoever Jim I'm with gets a hit in the leg and seems to disappear from the whole place. In the confusion I think the Christian farmers have won the battle with their muskets, and one of them walks over to me (I'm covering behind a small patch of grass). There is something seriously wrong with his face, like two pairs of eyes or two mouths or something like that and no pupils. He points his musket at me and grins and says "You're going to Hell!"

So I find myself suddenly trapped in a mall, which, as it turns out, also doubles as a student dormitory and a castle of evil. I have a gang of previously unknown people there with me, and we seem to be having a task of some sort to do. This might involve the smiting of the main evil, who is a large pig walking on two legs and lives in one the towers. All sorts of nasty things seem to inhabit the place and we do a lot of cowardly hiding behind large, heavy, purple curtains.

Somehow, also, my mother turns up and gives a speach about breast cancer to masses of people and tries to take over one of the levels previously occupied by students, but it all goes seriously wrong and she has to go away.

We try to flee the castle, but a huge troll has been positioned outside and programmed (yes, programmed!) to start running after us and catch us if we try to leave. This is when we realise that we are, actually, trapped inside a computer game, and that the only way to get out is to work through it.

So we want to go and smite the evil. Unfortunately on our quest we wander into a bordello for the undead! More purple curtains, nasty looking nasties and some very disturbing sexual images involving, for example, a headless skeleton in a wheelcair and a phlegm monster. It is truly scary...

When we finally get up to the tower of the pig, we unfortunately find that someone else has been there first. Some kind of an undead soul eater has attacked the Big Bad and turned him into an undead turtle-pig! He's got the shell of a turtle, the legs and face of a pig, a Viking helmet on his head, and where his eyes used to be there are now two tiny human skulls. He makes grunty noises and is not friendly.

So we think, sod the game, sod the troll, we're going out. Unfortunately the people I'm with all disappear one after another as we are fleeing, and I seem to be needing the toilet all the time. I get lost in the student dormitories and somehow find the time to rummage around the private possessions of previous occupants (who I think have all been eaten up) and moan about the miserable toilets.

When I do get out, the programmed troll is ready, but I figure that if I just run as fast as I can I can make it outside the gate, where the save point is, and where I'll be safe. So I run and run through the lawns and the gardens. Looking back, the castle has turned into an English country house, and the troll is gaining on me.

With a final leap I make it through the gates! I'm in the middle of a normal street, people are walking by, the sun is shining, and I'm safe!

Japanese tune starts playing somewhere, and end credits appear in Japanese. The alarm clock goes off...

before & after